proof-reading my conclusion?

Question

proof-reading my conclusion?
Hi people, i've just completed my assignment and my tutor has said to me previously that my conclusion us always dissapointing. Do you think the conclusion below is alright to end my assignment?

Answer 1

"the assignment has identified and explained the workplace aims and objectives and how impacts the school setting’s provision for children. Roles and Responsibilities of Early years practitioners has been fully discussed and other roles and responsibilities of those who work in an early years setting has been enclosed in the appendix."



hmm. it sounds a little choppy. you have really long sentences, maybe you should shorten them. It's too bad i dont know what your writing about then maybe i could understand.



you never want to write, "the assignment shows this or that" because it sounds immature. and "aims" is an awk word choice for me. you use alot of "ands" to connect the sentences, maybe you should shorten them in this case.



It seems like your telling the reader what you have previously written when you say "Roles and Responsibilities of Early years practitioners has been fully discussed.." instead of telling them that you have already discussed it. Remind them again what your point is.



Conclusions are to restate what your argument is, but in a clever and ending way. the conclusion is the time to be creative and in a way wordy, but not too wordy.



you dont want to sound robotic.

Answer 2

There's nothing below?

Answer 3

Dunno. I am disappointed it's not here.