Please help me with editing! 10pts for best one!?

Question

Changing the wording is ok, just not the info.
I am Brazilian, but for the past 12 consecutive years I have been living in the United States. All of my studies (from 7th grade up
to college) were completed here. I graduated from Kennesaw State University in July of 2007 with a Bachelors in Business
Administration double majoring in Management and Marketing. The course duration stipulated by Kennesaw State University specializing in one major is supposed to last 4 years, but with hard work and determination I was able to complete 2 majors in 2
years and 11 months. Besides fluent English, I also speak fluent Spanish, and have studied French for 4 years. As far as work
experience goes, I have done numerous translation/interpretation volunteer work for all of the above mentioned languages for a
long period of time. In March of 2007 I had participation in the organization of the National Collegiate Sales Competition which
had the involvement of 50 universities and 49 companies such as Hewlett Packard, Johnson & Johnson, and AT&T. At National
Construction Law Center, my responsibilities included but were not limited to: database entry/management, generating leads,
and translation/interpretation services. At Mag’s Upholstery, I was in charge of all client relations, supply chain management,
schedules, and marketing efforts such as the company’s website. As the office assistant of Marietta Middle School, I was in
charge of activities such as translation and interpretation, management of student files, registration, etc.

Answer 1

Hi,

This is overall very good, but I hope it is not a cover letter. A cover letter should not be a restatement of your resume. I think your first paragraph is very good for a cover letter, but your second paragraph needs to be consolidated. Instead of being a narrative of your resume, you should focus on the skills you have picked up, and not necessarily name where you used them. (Except I would include the organization of the conference because the number of parties involved is impressive.) Instead keep the letter short and sweet and give more of a summary overview of how many years experience in management and coordination you have and some of your top skills and abilities. Also include why you want to work for company X! This is CRUCIAL.



Regardless, here are my edits:





I am Brazilian, but for the past 12 years I have been living in the United States. All of my studies (from 7th grade up

to college) were completed here. I graduated from Kennesaw State University in July 2007 with a Bachelors in Business

Administration, double majoring in Management and Marketing. The course duration stipulated by Kennesaw State University specializing in one major is supposed to last four years, but with hard work and determination I was able to complete two majors in three years. Besides fluent English, I also speak fluent Spanish, and have studied French for four years.



My work experience includes an extensive amount of numerous translation/interpretation volunteer work for all of the above mentioned languages. In addition, I have considerable experience in office management and coordination. In March 2007, I helped organize the National Collegiate Sales Competition. This competition involved 50 universities and 49 companies such as Hewlett Packard, Johnson & Johnson, and AT&T. At the National Construction Law Center, my responsibilities included but were not limited to: database entry/management, generating leads, and translation/interpretation services. At Mag’s Upholstery, I was in charge of all client relations, supply chain management, schedules, and marketing efforts such as the company’s website. As the office assistant of Marietta Middle School, I was in charge of activities such as translation and interpretation, management of student files, registration, etc.

Answer 2

My name is _________. I am from Brazil. I have been living in the United States for the past 12 years, where I have completed schooling from the seventh grade through college. I graduated from Kennesaw State University in July of 2007 with a Bachelors Degree in Business Administration with a double major in Management and Marketing. With hard work and determination I was able to complete both majors in less than three years.

I speak fluent English, fluent Spanish, and French.

I have done translation and interpretation work for all of the about mentioned languages for ________ years. In March of 2007 I participated in the organization of the National Collegiate Sales Competiotion in which 50 universities and 49 companies participated. Some of the companies participating were Hewlett Packard, Johnson & Johnson, and AT&T.

My job experience includes database entry and management, generating leads, and translation services for Construction Law Center. I handled client relations, supply chain management, schedules, and marketing efforts including the companies website for Mag's Upholstery. As the office assistant Marietta Middle School, I was in charge of activities such as translation, management of student files, and registration.

Answer 3

couple notes:



"I am Brazilian..." -- we need something in here about your right to work in the US. How is it that you're here and able to stay? If this is a cover letter for a job application, this doesn't go in the first sentence. Move it down to where you refer to your multilingualism.



Bachelor's in Business -- note the possessive apostrophe. However, that's not the proper name of a degree. This should be something like 'Bachelor of Science in Business Administration' or 'Bachelor of Arts in Business' or "Bachelor of Business Administration" -- whatever it says on the diploma. Notice we have "a bachelor's degree" (possessive) but "a Bachelor of Arts" (singular)



Spell out numbers such as 4 (four), 12 (twelve), 2 (two), etc... except dates.



While it's very likely that your accomplishment of completing that degree in 2 years 11 months was significant and required a lot of hard work -- many people reading this will assume "oh, it must have been one of those fake degrees" or that you somehow got around the system. Not everyone will have heard of Kennesaw State University and you don't want to imply any substandard program.



Don't end with "etc." - just put a period there after registration. You've already said "such as" in that sentence.



just a few thoughts...

Answer 4

For this passage, I could make handiest moderate alterations, if my target have been to hold it just about your wording: "Even if the proof to your guide can aid your declare of the mystical, you stay aware of the day-to-day skeptics who discredit your ideals through capitalizing on their perspective during your textual content, where you say..." I could recollect rewording the passage into no less than 2 shorter sentences, if viable. What you've written here's fairly a mouthful, and the sentence is not even completed. Is this supposed to be addressed immediately to the writer of the guide at the paranormal, or are you scripting this as a guide assessment? If you're writing it as a guide assessment, I could transfer from moment-character (you) to 3rd-character (he). That sounds extra official. Good success with it!

Answer 5

Hy,

i need you to help me to understand your question,your story is great, do u want an official form or to print a book???

belive me you have agreat qualifications and you are the only one that can talke about it, write and edit what you can say

simbly with your mouth and get ready to be asked in the depth of your qualifications

Honestly

Mamado