Should I break up with my boyfriend for a PhD?

Question

I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We met as college students and he came the same school for a PhD. I'm graduating next spring and am starting to apply for PhD programs.

To stay with my boyfriend, I only have the choice of staying at my school for grad school since LDR isn't an option for both of us. We love each other and he really is the one I would want to spend the rest of my life with because we share very similar life goals (including after marriage), values, interests and sense of humor.

My current school is decent and I'd be happy going for grad school here, but I also have a fair chance to get into a prestige school which looks good to me as well.

I feel like love can wait, but getting into a prestige program is a one time chance. My perfect scenario (which is unlikely) will be that we break up for PhD and somehow restart and get married afterwards. I'm afraid I won't meet someone I connect as well as I do with him in the future since I haven't for the past 22 years. If I let him go, I'm afraid he'll find someone during his PhD and I'll feel miserable I missed the one. If I stay, I'm afraid I might linger on to the idea that I let go of a big opportunity.

I've talked to others about this matter and most people told me to follow my career dreams since I'm so young (I'm 22). But marriage is as important to me as it'll carry me through the rest of my life.

I would appreciate advice from different perspectives and thank you for your advice in advance :)

Answer 1

Well, I did. I got into 3 Ivy League PhD programs, all of which were located in other cities. I moved, and though the man and I stayed in touch, it was clear the relationship was over. I simply couldn't maintain a long-distance relationship and handle the demands of earning a PhD.



However, I realized I wasn't deeply in love with the man or really committed to him. If I had been, I think I would have made other career plans. As it was, I was more committed to the prospect of a PhD.



So, much depends on how you feel about this man. If he matters deeply to you, attend the less prestigious university since you don't plan to work in academia. (You're right that the school's prestige will matter if you want to become a university researcher and professor.) However, I doubt you'd be asking this question if you were all that devoted to the guy, so I think you should try to get into the more prestigious school and then see where life takes you both.



If a future with this man is meant to be, it will happen, no matter where you earn your PhD. Don't entirely close any doors yet, but focus on your education. Possibly you'll experience a hiatus in your relationship but eventually get back together. And possibly you'll meet someone new. Be open to just about anything, but don't shortchange yourself academically for a man to whom you are not fully committed.

Answer 2

It seems callous to break-up when you have a perfectly good school there, already.

So you would just be doing it for a more prestigious school? I don't understand.

Answer 3

You should get a PhD.

Answer 4

If you love each other, your relationship can handle the distance.



If that would absolutely break you up as a couple, it's a good indication you should *not* get married, so go and get the PhD because he is not someone you should be with.



My husband and I married for better or worse - a few years ago, he got a job out of state. At the same time, our youngest daughter going into her Senior year of high school. We didn't want to move her to a new state at that point, and we didn't want to leave her by herself (she turned 18 early in the school year, and could legally have stayed by herself), so he went to the new job, and she and I stayed at our home. My husband and I were apart for 15 months, until she started college and I moved to join him.



If we hadn't been committed to one another for life, that would have been a deal breaker for our marriage.

Answer 5

You are only 22, and have had extremely limited time (nowhere near all 22 of your years!) to develop an enduring long-term relationship with The One. You are too young to give up grad school for a short-term relationship. At your age, you might think this has been "long-term" and from a child's perspective it is. From an adult's perspective, you hardly know each other as this is a time of very great change for each of you!



It's time to let go of silly, childish notions about love & marriage. You're acting like a ditzy 13 y.o. Go to grad school. IF this relationship really is The One, you'll find out if you set it free, focus on grad school, and see how it develops with a long-distance relationship. If it cannot withstand a rough patch, you have no hope of it becoming an enduring marriage.



I have known people whose marriages lasted 40, 50, and over 70(!) years! And all of them have faced many, many, many tests of their relationship, including long separations (e.g. World War II/Korea/Vietnam/Iraq, etc.) and other situations. Have you even known a grandparent or great-grandparent, neighbor, anyone, who has been happily married for several decades? Or are you still in fairy-tale books?

Answer 6

I agree with those who are saying to follow your career dreams since you're young.



I don't understand why a long distance relationship is not an option. If you're truly in love, your relationship will survive. And if you can't stay loyal to each other for a few years of separation, what makes you think your marriage would be a life-long commitment? If he's basically telling you "out of sight, out of mind" (or if that's what you're telling him), then I don't foresee your marriage lasting, even if you do abandon your career plans to stay with him.

Answer 7

Life's short andJesus is coming soon. To me getting a PhD today is completely worthless and a waste of time and money. Its not like you'll even get to enjoy it much. Chasing your dreams sound nice but the truth is our last breathe can be taken at any second and after you take it them what? You stand befire God and He asks what did you do for me and you say well im sorry i was chasing my own dreams. Your entire life can be wasted just like that all on your dreams. Its not worth it. Ask God what His dreams are for you. His dreams for us are almost always the opposite of what our dreams are for ourselves.



Matthew 7

21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

Answer 8

if you've been together for 2 1/2 years, then you were never going to get married in the first place.

have you been having pre-marital sex?

if you have, then you DEFINITELY were never going to get married.

that means that the ONLY reason you've been together is that he was getting the fun stuff without a commitment.



face it: you just WASTED the last 2 1/2 years of your life.

if you were going to get married, it would've happened 2 years ago.

Answer 9

You have two options



A) your boyfriend



B) your education



Which one would you choose?

Answer 10

Phd in WHAT? PHD means PILED HIGHER and DEEPER...or maybe you hadn't heard. If it is for ENGINEERING and/or MEDICAL RESEARCH or LAW...where it might get you a decent career path OUT from the BALONEY of academia, then fine. Get your PHD. Otherwise...if all it gets you is a stupid teaching job somewhere...then forget it.



Nobody should get married until 30 regardless of what you do.

Answer 11

I must've missed something.  Why do you feel it's either your boyfriend or your PhD?  Can't it be both at the same time?  Are you one of those people who can't walk and chew gum at the same time?  How would you ever manage a PhD if that's the case?

Answer 12

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Why worry you will find another one

Answer 13

Well why does this have to be a black or white answer? This is a gray area. Don’t completely give up on either. Pursue your career obviously, but also try long distance. You can meet up once a month, video chat, send care packages by mail, fall asleep on the phone, etc. to make things works. Contrary to popular belief, those in long distance relationships are better fit for marriage bc they’ve mastered incredible trust and patience towards their partner. If the distance proves to be a barrier, THEN you separate bc then you know you both did all you could to make it work. Also, you’re not yet accepted to this Ivy League yet, so don’t make any definite decisions until you know you got in.

Answer 14

You can have both and learn to balance

Answer 15

If he really is your true love, your relationship CAN survive a long distance relatioship. I know a,couple who have been together MRE than half their lives, 19 years. He just turned 33 years old. They went to Stanford together. When she graduated, she went to work for Google for several then decided to quit and go back to Stanford to get her masters. He went UCLA to get his Ph.D. in physics. He was in an accelerated bachelors masters program. Somehow he also get a masters in aerospace engineering. He got his Ph.D. in 9 years with a year he was on leave while working at JPL at Caltech. She has to work in big hi tech cities. . He's in his 3rd year of his second post-doc at Harvard. They are moving to NYC for 6 months, She accepted a promotion and has to be in be in commuting distance of NYC. New Jersey is no linger practical. They are both at the point where they want to setgle down and no longer live on both coasts and coming home to New Orleans.



His mother is my closest friend. She's pretty much acceped that they may never get married. I suspect if they decide to have children, she probably would want to get married. She's Roman Catholic His parents are Roman Catholic and Jewish. They have been married 36 years and counting. They met in medical school. 



It might be YOU who meets someone else. People DO grow apart. 

Answer 16

I would break up and find your man of your dreams elsewhere where life takes you

Answer 17

"We love each other and he really is the one I would want to spend the rest of my life"



No, you're not in love or you wouldn't have to ask. And "would" implies that there's something else more important than spending your life with your guy. Even without the PhD question, you aren't committed to this relationship.



Also, you don't mention your field. There's only a few fields where school matters all that much. A prestige school just costs more and gives you an excuse to brag to your friends.

Answer 18

Definitely go for your career, you can't trust a man not to mess up your life sooner or later, and when he does, you will regret missing your education opportunity. Most of your friends gave you correct advice.