Tips on My College Essay?

Question

I just finished a University of Michigan supplement essay with this prompt:
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it

I was wondering if I could get some constructive criticism on my essay, which is as follows:
The gunshot sounded, right on queue.
Gasps issue, tears stagger, and even some shouts resonate from the back as the curtains close in front of the actors. Almost instantly the audience explodes into applause, eventually transforming into a ceaseless standing ovation. I stand, full of consummation from my performance.
However, the audience claps not for me, nor for my partners, but for the actors ten feet above us. As I pack my cello, I can hear their blithe screams from underneath the stage.
Such is the fate of those who find themselves within the company of our little orchestra. Under the daunting roof of our massive school body, we stay huddled together, beneath the immense shadow cast by band, choir, and theater. Their proud marches, elegant chants, and stunning talents win the hearts of both the school and its people.
Nonetheless, we trudge on, comforted by our close-knit friendship, for we stand not only as a community, but as a family as well - a family that contains neither competition nor contention. Each player exists only as an equal to his neighbor. Even the conductor, critical in maintaining the balance and order of our sound, rises above no one, for perfect sound comes only from a unified orchestra. As such, I play third chair cello with nothing but a wholesome sense of deep content. And regardless of the endless praise given to "that wonderful Bandtasia performance last night," we persevere with our concerts and rehearsals. However, in doing this we seek no acknowledgements. No accolades. Nothing. Rather, we play only for our everlasting reverence of symphonic music - music that unites even the most diverse people into the most intimate of communities.


The essay goes about 30 words over the limit, which might be too much, but I don't know.

Thank you in advance

Answer 1

Truthfully, by the time your acceptance has come down to your essay your most likely not getting in unless if they are deciding between putting you on the wait list instead of acceptance, then it matters. Your college essay has to be something more personal. Something that both grabs interest and shows something about you. Talking about a concert wont go anything, it may make them pass you up. IF your trying to get into one of the nations top level schools, this wont get you in. if your going into a school where the average gpa is 90 or less, then your probably fine but please re-write. Make something up if you really have to, but don't make a ridiculous story. Although i remember learning about someone in highschool that got into harvard wirting an essay about how he has been known to tread water for 72 hours at a time and eat potatoe chip with his feet, and got accepted with only a 3.65 (88-89 ish) gpa. But this essay, won't do anything beneficial for you.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

its boring