Letter of Intention for college?

Question

My cousin is comming from another country to study in a college in the summer time.. we wrote this intention of letter for her. I just wantted to know if it was a exeptable letter and if i should revise any part of it please tell me... THANKSSS...


10/18/09
Dr./Mr./Ms. XXX (contact person’s last name)
Title
Organization Name
Street Address

Dear Dr. XXX:

I am a student currently attending my third year in Kocaeli Unversity Department of Chemical Engineering. I would like to attend one of your Chemical/ Environmental internship during the summer period. I am currently taking courses on English, Technical English, Entry of chemical engineering, Physics, History, Math, Physicochemistry, General Chemistry Laboratory, Physicochemistry Laboratory, Analytical Chemistry, Analytical Chemistry Laboratory, Organic Chemistry, Instrumental Analysis, Fluid Mechanics, Statics, Mass and Energy Balances, Heat Transfer, Numeric Analysis, Polymer Chemistry.

I was looking for colleges in United States and my aunt informed me about your college. She is a United States Citizen who lives nearby your college. When she mentioned about your excellence in eduction, and your well known name in this area she also told me it would be a great opportunity for me to take part in your summer internship program!

I had my internship in Pfizer (drug company) in summer 2008 in Turkey. I am an active member of UCTEA Chamber of chemical Engineers Student Commissions. I took seminars about paint in Yildiz Technical University. I worked at 7th international Paint and Auxiliary Products Industry Exhibition which was held in Istanbul, Turkey. During the Exhibition I had a great chance to join the conferences. I had a chance to also expand my knowledge on Polymers. I also had a lot of observation in the exhibit.. As I mentioned as a member of UCTEA we are planning a lot of technical trips. One of our trips included Tupras Turkish Petroleum Refineries Corporation. I would like to improve myself in the are of chemical engineering. I graduated as a valedictorian in my Senior year of High school. I have passed all of my college courses from the previous years. I am fluent in writing and speaking English. I believe I am qualified to be a part of your researches and learn gain more knowledge on this subject. I am currently tutoring four high school and middle school students. I also enjoy playing basketball, watching movies and theater.

Thank You for your time and consideration.

Answer 1

Please do not think I am being cruel because I am not. Having said that what you need to do is have someone proof read this letter. There are many errors. Example: I am currently taking courses ON English. It should be I am currently taking courses IN English. Also, I had my internship in Pfizer... It should be I had my internship AT Pfizer. You have too many errors dear for me to go through all of them. Here is another one, I would like to improve myself in the AREA, you left out the second A. And another, I will type it the correct way. I believe if I were a part of your research team I would gain valuable knowledge on this subject.



I would leave out the I am fluent in writing and speaking English. He will see that when reading this letter which is why it must be without flaws. No errors, period. All in all this is a very nice introduction. You did a good job.



I am so impressed with your cousin's credentials and I know the contact person will be too. I wish her the best on a very bright future. You are a nice person and she is blessed to have you as a relative. I love it when people care about each other and show it.

Answer 2

I think it all has to do with advertising, not recruitment. Based on your score, "this or this" university will be a good choice for you, its not necessarily stating or giving preferential treatment- because, if that was the case, I'm sure there would be a law suit somewhere.

Answer 3

Might want to rework that third paragraph, its really wordy and you start too many sentences with "I".



Other than that it's good though.