Please read my UC application essay! Tips/Advice?

Question

"I can adapt to change, and I will strive to do so.” This was the single statement that I told myself five years ago as I prepared for one of the most significant, life changing experiences of my life; migrating from Australia to the United States. I was not ready. The fact that I had to leave everything behind me and dawn over a new beginning was terrifying. The accumulation of past experiences and memories could no longer be shared with friends and relatives. However, through these hardships come brand new moments of happiness and success, with clear messages of understanding and hope that will help to open up mine and my family’s eyes.
Beginning this new journey was very difficult for me, as I was not accustomed to everyday life in the States. The people, music, stores, clothes, and lifestyles were all different. Adapting to two diverse cultures had been a struggle to overcome, but I realized at the same time, it had given me many opportunities to improve myself with better understandings of this new culture. One of these opportunities was school. School had given me a chance to express my many thoughts and talents with my new friends. Walking into that classroom for the first time gave me hope for this journey; I was able to share my ideas - something I thought to be impossible at the time. A cluster of doubts, fears, and uncertainties had mustered through my mind upon moving to the States. Although, surrounded constantly by my family and new found peers, I had noticed that this adaptation to change, this journey, had only begun.
Seeing as my friends and family had helped me become familiar with the U.S. culture, it had encouraged me to give back to other people and helped me to consider a career in medicine. The local hospital had given me the opportunity to do both; volunteering and getting used to a medical environment gave me the chance to finally give back to society and increase my strong passion to pursue a career in medicine. If it was cleaning up, filing records, or translating for patients, there was a sudden feeling inside that was indescribable; a feeling that I was satisfied with. Looking back to when I first moved here and how much of a hard time I had gone through, I could see the same struggle in patient’s eyes walking in and out of the Emergency Room everyday. Just knowing that I am helping those patients or anyone in general, always brings that certain feeling back inside of me, and I do anything I can to keep it there.
There is not a day that goes by where Australia crosses my mind. Whether it is a place, a song on the radio, or a distant memory, there is always a place for Australia in my heart. Realizing the support of friends and family, I try my best to give back to society, and someday fulfill people’s lives as a doctor. Our family’s migration to the States was a blessing in disguise, and I am grateful for every single person who has helped us to carry on to overcome our obstacles.

Answer 1

First of all, get the document off the net. Someone will steal it and you won't get into the UCs if there are multiple copies of your personal statement on different applications (cheaters are not smart and you will suffer for it).



The way the first prompt is worded is a bit misleading. According to what I heard at the Berkeley training session, admissions (or at the very least, Berkeley and Irvine - confirmed by a student who attended a seminar at UCI) wants to hear you talk about your dreams and aspirations, and what you have done so far to achieve those dreams and aspirations. My guess is the family/background thing got thrown in there to give students with hardships/special circumstances the chance to use that prompt to discuss them.



I imagine the best way to approach the first prompt is to figure out what your dreams and aspirations are, and what you have done so far to achieve them, only plug something in your background for support if appropriate. But whether you choose to describe your background (family, friends, school, community, etc.) or something else, the description should take up no more than a 1/3 of your essay and the remaining 2/3 should be about YOU (see here for an explanation of the 1/3-2/3 guideline, which I would like to take credit for inventing; altho now it has been labeled as a rumor); what you want to do and what you have done so far to get there.



The second prompt is a way for your to showcase something about yourself that makes you stand out from your peers. You can do that by discussing a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience (pq/t/a/c/e for short). How does that pq/t/a/c/e make you proud and what does that pq/t/a/c/e say about you as a person. Does the pq/t/a/c/e demonstrate that you are a hardworking individual who perseveres? Does that pq/t/a/c/e illustrate how you come thru for your team no matter what? And how will that pq/t/a/c/e help you succeed in college? Again, describe the pq/t/a/c/e using about 1/3 of your essay and really get into talking about YOURSELF in the remaining 2/3.

Answer 2

I mean, how could we possibly answer that without any idea of who you are as a person and what your qualities are? If you were just planning on making up whatever qualities yahoo answers tells you to make up, I would recommend that you portray yourself as as someone seeking vengeance for the death of your family, split between the sometimes bureaucratic world of the law and the chaotic path of vigilantism. You feel that you have to do what is right, but is the law always right? Is it moral to sometimes take the law into your own hands and deliver the justice that the courts couldn't provide? You know that man murdered your family, and they let him off free of charge! How can you live with yourself letting him live?! But could you live with yourself if you took a life? Bam! College essay gold right here!

Answer 3

You make a lot of grammar errors. Be sure of what a semicolon is before you use it.



"If it was cleaning up, filing records, or translating for patients, there was a sudden feeling inside that was indescribable; a feeling that I was satisfied with."



For example, this is not correct. The second clause cannot stand as a sentence by itself.



Also, try to avoid the passive voice. "One of these opportunities was school" is not very effective. Something like "school presented an opportunity" is clearer.



"new found" should be one word



Edit your essay again. Much of it like, "Realizing the support of friends and family, I try my best to give back to society, and someday fulfill people’s lives as a doctor," or "it had given me many opportunities to improve myself with better understandings of this new culture" is not worded properly.

Answer 4

Looks good to me. But, in the last paragraph, didn't you mean, "There is not a day that goes by where Australia does NOT cross my mind"? Or you could say "I think of Australia every day."



Good luck to you......