Proofread my college essay?

Question

Advice would be amazing. This is for my common application upload.

The Boulder bubble floats with ease above the solid earth. The inhabitants habitually gaze downward upon the world’s hardships, a view from which the bubble distracts by projecting a sparkly reflection; an enticement to turn their backs. Some leave, and the excess air enables to sphere to float higher. Others return, exhausted from life without a filtering membrane.

Unrealized privilege encircles me. My world is clean; it is safe, beautiful, and circulating with intelligence. The people are healthy. Our problems, which we blabber about with neighbors at the local organic supermarket, consist of encounters with the occasional ignoramus, complications occurring during house renovations, and disagreements over where to spend Thanksgiving break. Although tragic history is taught in school, the full impact is lost on we who can flee home and drain our minds of such unfortunate events.

I do not mean to be condescending, I do adore Boulder. My soul is at home in the Foothills that ever last as a reliable friend whom toward we can tilt our troubled heads. Moreover, the “privilege” I allude to can manufacture not only naivety but wholesome opportunity. This realization that all I am given is not purposed to fade in a wasteland of materialism has shaped my dreams and aspirations. These advantages can instead serve as input, which though my allocation can transform into output beneficial to society. The disparity of standard of living so prevalent in America seems disposed to increasing… I want to do my part in reversing this trend, leaping from my safety bubble to more evenly distribute the unearned fortune.

Specifically, my vocational dreams lie in the biomedical field. I note how correlated health is to happiness, and this, along with another portion of my background- an inherited aptitude for science, has guided me towards learning medicine. I am also becoming constantly aware of the controversies involved with bioethics (ex. stem cell research, animal testing, human cloning), and being very opinionated in my sense of right and wrong, I yearn to voice my beliefs.

Of course, everyone has problems that should not be minimalized. However, in my world, there are always compassionate mentors, cozy coffeehouses, and abundant distractions to protect. The positives outweigh the negatives due to the luck in which my peers and I are immersed. The contrast displayed by my world versus the world opens by eyes. Experiences I have had have momentarily popped bubbles and allowed me to clearly see the many people and cultures that are in dire need of protection and comfort. I wish to mold my dreams not only to realize my own potential, but to help create opportunities for others.

Answer 1

no get a damn teacher to do it

Answer 2

That's not an essay. It's a testimony. What class are you writing this for? I can honestly say that I hope your study in medicine is more direct, and less flowery and less full of hyperbole.



Edit...



I thought that was a constructive criticism. You could work/study at Naropa.



The Boulder bubble floats with ease above the solid earth. The inhabitants habitually gaze downward upon the world’s hardships, a view from which the bubble distracts by projecting a sparkly reflection; an enticement to turn their backs. Some leave, and the excess air enables sphere to float higher. Others return, exhausted from life without a filtering membrane.



Unrealized privilege encircles me. My world is clean; it is safe, beautiful, and circulating with intelligence. The people are healthy. Our problems, which we blabber about neighbors at the local organic supermarket consist of encounters with the occasional ignoramus, complications occurring during house renovations, and disagreements over where to spend Thanksgiving break. Although tragic history is taught in school, the full impact is lost on we who can flee home and drain our minds of such unfortunate events.



I do not mean to be condescending I do adore Boulder. My soul is at home in the Foothills that ever last as reliable friend whom toward we can tilt our troubled heads. Moreover, the “privilege” I allude to can manufacture not only naivety but wholesome opportunity. This realization that all I am given is not purposed to fade in a wasteland of materialism has shaped my dreams and aspirations. These advantages can instead serve as input, which though my allocation can transform into output beneficial to society. The disparity standard of living so prevalent in America seems disposed to … I want to do my part in reversing this trend, leaping from my safety bubble to more evenly distribute the unearned fortune.



Specifically, my vocational dreams lie in the biomedical field. how correlated health is to happiness, and this, along with another portion of my background<; that being> an inherited aptitude for science, has guided me towards learning medicine. I am also becoming constantly aware of the controversies involved with bioethics<; i.e. stem cell research, animal testing, human cloning>, and in my sense of right and wrong, I yearn to voice my beliefs.



Of course, everyone has problems that should be . , there are always compassionate mentors, cozy coffeehouses, and abundant distractions to protect. The positives outweigh the negatives due to the luck in which my peers and I are immersed. The contrast displayed by my world versus the world opens by eyes. Experiences I have had have momentarily popped bubbles and allowed me to clearly see the many people and cultures that are in dire need of protection and comfort. I wish to mold my dreams not only to realize my own potential, but to help create opportunities for others.



Proofread. I added/changed a couple of things. Things in angle brackets are to directly replace or describe the replacement, like .



It's still flowery, though.



Edit again...



I do like the fact you make the object _do_ something in most of your sentences instead of _be_ something.

Answer 3

What question did you answer? That would be helpful to know.

I stopped reading after about 4 sentences. Impression: arrogant, bored young man possibly doing drugs while writing his college essay.

Write something substantial about yourself. Have you had a major screw up and what did you learn from it. If you are yearning to voice your beliefs then do it and support it. Don't just talk about yearning to do it.

What is it you want to say to the world that you can't say in your present life. Who or what is holding you back?

Have you done anything worthy of mentioning such as a community service project or senior project where you actually came in contact with a mentor that you would love to emulate.

Seriously Dude, "I want to do my part in reversing this trend... ". Tell us about an idea or something that you actually have done to reverse it...

Okay...one good point..you actually put it out there to be read. That is impressive...now throw it out and write a real essay about YOU.

Answer 4

hi, here has some training for you opportunities are high you used a observe processor to compose your essay. maximum observe processing classes are geared up with a spellchecker. to start modifying your essay, use the spellchecker option to examine for spelling blunders. maximum appropriate issues as you go. next, use the grammar checker on your observe processing application (if it has one) to examine for grammar blunders. maximum grammar checkers now seek for comma utilization, run-on sentences, passive sentences, annoying issues, and extra. utilising your judgment and the grammar checker?s concepts, edit your essay. Now it?s time to start manually checking your essay. Print a duplicate. blunders would be much less annoying to capture on paper than on a seen show unit. initiate by ability of interpreting the thesis fact of your essay. Is it sparkling and ordinary to understand? Does the content of the essay right help the fact? If no longer, evaluate revising the fact to mirror the content. make beneficial that your creation is concise and accurately more advantageous. it is going to likely be extra suitable than a fact of your intentions and opinion. The creation ought to set the tone of your essay- a tone that keeps for the time of. The tone must be consistent with the priority remember and the objective audience which you particularly prefer to realize. examine the paragraph shape of your essay. each and each paragraph ought to incorporate pertinent concepts and be free of empty sentences. do away with any sentence that seems somewhat beside the point. additionally, examine your transition sentences. Your essay will look uneven is there is no longer a sparkling transition from one concept into the subsequent. the tip of your essay ought to reference your thesis fact. it must additionally be consistent with the form and/or argument of your essay. Take time beyond regulation to polish your end. it is going to likely be the final factor the reader sees and the 1st factor that they remember. you additionally can take on line expert help . thank you