Is this a good personal Statement?

Question

now, i have never ever done anything like this. I'm 16 and i'm trying to get into a better college than the one i'm at, so i joined some program thing where they're gonna help me with it (financially too). I was told to write a personal statement and the prompt given to me is as follows:


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Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
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now, i was also given a certain amount of words i was allowed to use (roughly 500). So i'm done for this part. only, i don't think i've done such a good job. Can someone read over this and tell me if it's a good one or not? i don't expect someone to lie and say "wow, this is certain to get you into any college," because that's not all they'll look at. but i need to know if this is good or not. so anyhow, here's what i've written:

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Looking back on my life, I find that my most important quality is my determination. It has gotten me through a number of struggles at times where the situation seemed hopeless. The most recent example of in my life was graduating high school at the early age of sixteen. I skipped first and third grade and that gave me a headstart in school. But in the middle two years of high school my grades began to suffer due to troubles at home and the fact that I just stopped caring.

Nothing in my life was going how I wanted it to go, and I felt to try was pointless. I don't know why it didn't seem to matter how hard I tried things just wouldn't work out for me. And so when I had homework I wouldn't do it, or I'd procrastinate and end up getting poor grades because of it. I would do well on the tests, but without the homework, it didn't help me get the grades I should have. My mother would try over and over to get me to do what I needed to so I could graduate on time. But it didn't even matter to me, nothing did at the time.

Finally, at the end of junior year I decided that school was for me and that after having all the troubles and misery in my past I deserved happiness in my future. I signed up for summer school to make up for the classes I'd failed and decided to take extra classes senior year to meet all my graduation requirements. I still felt as if everything was somehow a scheme to keep me down, as if no one wanted me to succeed. Even so, I'd already made up my mind that if I wanted success I would have to take it from whoever tried to keep me from it.

I did everything I could t keep my grades up and clean up the mess I'd made in the previous two years. When things got hard and I felt like quiting again, I had to remember that I was doing it all for me. I kept telling myself that the greater the struggle, the greater the reward for it. And I was rewarded for my determination in the end; May 19th 2009 I became the youngest person in my family to graduate.

But high school was certainly not the end of my journey. At my graduation party, I great friend of mine told me “chase your dreams, live your life, and be happy, no matter what obstacles stand in your way.” Those words have stuck in my head ever since, and I will follow them until the day I die. I have many dreams to chase and my determination will be the fuel for the fire I need to burn a path to my dreams. With hope and determination I can put my other abilities to good use. Because it doesn't matter how smart you are, how quickly you can learn, or how much work you can do unless you have the determination to make use of those abilities. I'm making an effort to succeed and I won't rest until I do.
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Answer 1

I would agree with Chad. This is not a personal statement. It is more like a confessional. I'm going to be blunt, so don't take offense.



First, you want a personal statement to sell the best qualities of you. What you don't want is for the college to think they are possibly accepting a ticking time-bomb into their sanctuary of stellar students. Therefore, brevity in the worst of your qualities is a must. You dwell on the negatives of your past waaaay too much. By the end of it, I was thinking, damn this dude could be unstable.



Second, and along the same vein, do not focus your negativity on educational institutions. You said it felt like no one wanted you to succeed. Even if, and that's a big even, the people didn't want you to succeed, you cannot state this because you are bad mouthing one of their own. So, that college will say, "Gee, if he's bad-mouthing them, what happens if things go south while she's here?"



Third, and to elaborate on a point I made in the first part, talk about negatives briefly. They are there to showcase your triumph over adversity. Instead of you not wanting to do work, focus on the struggle in your family, maybe even briefly (this is key), and descretely tell them about it. Make them feel bad for you a little, then make them have a warm fuzzy when they hear about how you gave it your best and won!!



If this all sounds cheesy, it should. These statements are being putting in the right kind of fluff so that people connect with you. I did not connect with you as an educator because you told me we are against you. I don't want to hear that.



Finally, show proof how you have triumphed over adversity, or how it relates to you as a person...like it says. Your organization of this thing should be as follows: Intro what you will talk about in your essay. Aknowledge the problem they are throwing at you. Flesh out this problem with some specifics....then answer the question with specific proof about how this made you who you are. "I'm making an effort to succeed..." Ok, how are making that effort? Give me example of when you've made efforts recently. "I can put my other abilities..." what are they? You never mentioned it, so bring it up? If you're going to mention something you have to prove it. That's why it is an essay. Essay has its root meaning from the French 'essayer' which means to try. That's what you're doing, trying to convey your personality across a medium (in this case, a written medium).



Rewrite it for sure...and good luck. Sorry if you feel hurt, but you shouldn't. Without failing, we can never be creative. Just ask any person you know who you feel has succeeded in life. Much luck to you.

Answer 2

Use the APA construction for how a paper should be written. It's an organization thought process that can be applied in any other cognitive construction. And, consider the Nursing Process Phases of problem solving: Assessment (of patient's needs) Diagnosis (of human response needs that nursing can assist with) Planning (of patient's care) Implementation (of care) Evaluation (of the success of the implemented care) 1. Begin your personal introduction with Assessment: For example: "As I assess my educational goals at this time, I find both strengths and weaknesses." 2. Then, Diagnosis: " The three most significant strengths are . . . The three most significant weaknesses are . . . 3. Planning: " My plan to build on my strengths is . . .(include taking this Masters Course). And, my plan to address my weaknesses is . . ." State your short-term goals here related to addressing #2. 4. Implementation: "What I expect from this course is . . . 5. Evaluation: (related to the goals in #3) "With those goals met through this course work, I will continue then on such-and-such a course" Evaluation of such applications certainly includes content and sincerity, but also significantly the level of organizational thought. Keep it very simple. When you edit, eliminate adjectives and repetitive content. Maintain professional language. Do not use contractions. Get your verb agreement perfect. Good luck.

Answer 3

Hi,

Here has some tips for a good personal statement writing :

Think of the personal statement as an "intellectual autobiography." The statement should convey to your readers a clear, thoughtful picture or impression of you as a person who has distinct interests, motivations, accomplishments, aims and ideas.

Aim to define a central idea, impression or theme you hope to convey. The most memorable personal statements are ones that have a clear theme or purpose that unifies the ideas and information presented. Sometimes you'll know what this theme should be in advance; sometimes it will emerge as you begin drafting your statement.

Keep it simple. It's easy to over-write a one-page personal statement. Use the words and language you would naturally use in writing a thoughtful, intelligent letter to a friend or trusted mentor.

Find the "story" in your history. Your life has been a journey, with planned and unexpected turns, with successful and frustrated goals, with hard-earned and accidental insights, with hoped-for but as-yet-unrealized achievements. Your basic challenge in writing a compelling personal statement is to tell the story that makes sense of your life as it has been, is, and could be.

Welcome the reader into your life. Fellowships are looking for promising people, not high-powered profiles. Write to engage your reader, write in a way that invites him or her to want to meet and get to know you.

Online personal statement service is also helpful .

Thanks

Answer 4

Awesome

Answer 5

I like this! Well-writtened

Answer 6

I wouldn't call it a personal statement.